Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 3, Episode 9 on HBO's "Game of Thrones," titled "The Rains of Castamere."

I can't decide if I envy or pity those of you who didn't know what was coming in this episode.

I interviewed Michelle Fairley last week about this episode, so I had a pretty good idea of what was to come. And yet, even so, I feel pretty devastated right now.

Knowing that the episode would end the way it did cast a pall over everything that came before -- the strategy meeting between Robb and Catelyn, in which they kissed and made up over their shared determination to stick it to the Lannisters at Casterly Rock; the haunted, defeated faces of every single person in the Frey household as Walder faked hospitality to Robb, Talisa and Catelyn; Robb's sadly prophetic apology to the Walder girls: "All men should keep their word, kings most of all"; the oh-so-Stark efforts by Arya and Jon Snow to protect those innocent old men; Jon's escape from his Wildling captors, which could have positioned him to give Robb some much-needed help in his war against Tywin; even Bran's sudden realization that he can control not just animals, but humans -- or at least Hodors -- with his mind, coming a moment too late to make any kind of difference for his family.

Yep, it was all one big capital-"I" Irony in the old, Greek-tragedy sense of the world. Our heroes didn't know they were doomed, but those of us who'd succumbed to spoilers (or read the books) sure did.

Anyway, let's backtrack a bit. I guess we can stop worrying about this big Casterly Rock plot, since Walder Frey did anything but cooperate. Still, it was nice to see Robb and Catelyn bury the hatchet before being buried themselves.

And so it was on to the Twins, where that fool Edmure Tully was set to wed the Frey household's very own Marilyn Munster. My houseguest, who has read all five books, tells me that was salt and bread they were passing around -- a symbol of hospitality. Once you eat it, you're supposed to be safe within your host's walls. Another irony, I guess.

For a minute there, Walder was behaving reasonably well, but it all started going south when he slow-clapped Robb's apology. He really skeeved everybody out with his unsolicited appraisal of Talisa's physical attributes. "He betrayed me for firm tits and a tight fit," he said, not without admiration.

Usually, I like to take one storyline at a time, but we're going to have to come back to this one.

On the outskirts of Yunkai, Daenerys is testing out her new boy toy, Daario Naharis, who has a plan to sack the city by sneaking in the back door with two good men and turning the slave warriors against their masters. Ser Jorah, who has been crushing on his Khaleesi since the Khal Drogo days, doesn't like the way Daario touches her hand and fears a trap. But Grey Worm likes the cut of Daario's jib, so they do the job. As it turns out, Daario is the best whistler in the world, but his ruthlessness is what really matters. It takes him about three seconds to dispatch the first few guards he encounters and not much longer to fight off the next round in a scene that had all the production values of The History Channel's "The Bible."

The Starks, by contrast, are hopelessly wishy-washy. Arya won't let the Hound kill the old salt-pork vendor, even though "dead rats don't squeak," as the Hound succinctly explains. I was reminded of Brienne's decision to spare the fellow who spotted her and Jaime Lannister -- and who later turned them in. And though I'm a peaceful man who generally opposes using homicide to silence senior citizens, I'm beginning to think that, for the purposes of this show, slitting someone's throat is always the way to go. Hesitation is death.

Just ask Jon Snow, who likewise can't bear the thought of letting his Wildling friends murder the old man who keeps horses for the Night's Watch. Somehow, the Wildlings' idea of a stealth attack formation ("Everybody, run as loudly as possible across this completely open field!") doesn't catch the old man off-guard, and he escapes on horseback. First, Jon pulls an A-Rod on Ygritte when she's aiming at the guy ("Miss it!"), and then he refuses to slice his throat when Orell demands a show of loyalty.

The whole thing with Bran learning how to control everyone's minds in the heat of battle was pretty cool, and I love me some direwolf action. It was also exciting when Orell's eagle swooped down, drone-style, and tried to pluck Jon Snow's eyes out. But the craziest thing that happened here was when Jon abandoned Ygritte. Look, I'll give him this: She's pretty scary. I've lost count of how many times she's threatened to cut off his nuts (OK, it was at least once). Also, fast-forward 10 years and I can see him getting tired of being addressed by his full name every time she can't remember where she put her keys. But I thought these two were in love! Was it all part of his cover? I think not -- and, knowing how hopelessly honorable Snow is, I suspect he felt Ygritte would be safer with her friends than riding away with him.

Before we get to the wedding, let's pause for a moment in that clearing with Arya and Sandor Clegane. This was such a great scene. Maisie Williams kills it week in and week out as Arya, but give credit to Rory McCann for going toe-to-toe with a 16-year-old without ever condescending or pulling punches. The Hound starts this round, taunting Arya about her (well-founded) fear of not making it to the Twins in time to reunite with her family. She jeers back, reminding him of the time his brother "pressed your face to the fire like you were a nice juicy mutton chop," to which he responds with a line about the man who "snipped your daddy's neck." And then she trots out this conversation-ender: "Someday, I'm gonna put a sword through your eye and through the back of your skull." Don't try that one at home, kids.

OK, here we go. The Red Wedding. Well, it started pretty well, didn't it? Edmure's betrothed turns out to be the one Frey girl who doesn't look like she answered an open casting call to play Broom-Hilda. (How great is that smirk Walder Frey gives Robb when the hottie is unveiled?)

But then it's on to the reception, where the band is playing rather badly and Roose Bolton is suddenly on the wagon. Robb and Talisa, meanwhile, can barely keep their hands off one another, but what else is new? "Don't insult them," Talisa says, when Robb leans in for a kiss, but thankfully he manages to get one in. Sadly, it'll be their last.

Walder Frey is a master of repulsive lines no one wants to hear an old man say, and here's a prime example: "A sword needs a sheathe, and a wedding needs a bedding. To bed!" Turns out Ned Stark and Tyrion Lannister are the only grooms tough enough to spare their brides from this tradition.

Ugh, that conversation between Talisa and Robb about naming their child Eddard Stark. And then a guard closes the door behind the bedding couple, locking the guests in the reception room, and the band starts playing the "Rains of Castamere." Catelyn spots chain mail under Roose Bolton's sleeve, and then Frey gives the word. A man attacks Talisa, stabbing her pregnant belly, and archers rain arrows on Robb, Catelyn and the rest of the Stark-Tully contingent.

Arya sneaks away from The Hound and witnesses a group of conspirators kill some Stark soldiers and then slay Robb's dire wolf. And then Sandor finds her. "It's too late," he says, before knocking her out and hauling her away. Poor Arya's kill list is getting very long indeed.

Robb is paralyzed by grief for Talisa. Say what you want about those two -- they were seriously in love. Catelyn drags Frey's wife from under the table, where she's cowering for safety. She begs Frey to spare Robb, and says she'll kill the girl if he doesn't. "I'll find another," the vicious old bastard says.

"The Lannisters send their regards," Roose Bolton says as he stabs Robb to death.

Part of me wants to watch Michelle Fairley's performance here a hundred more times, and part of me never wants to see it again. She screams. She slits the girl's throat, blood spraying outward. She drops to her knees. And then she dies as a guard draws his dagger across her throat.

And that's that. The credits are accompanied by silence.

So ... what did you think?

The Season 3 finale of "Game of Thrones" airs Sunday, June 9 at 9 p.m. ET on HBO.

LAS VEGAS — Singer-actress Pia Zadora has been arrested on suspicion of domestic battery and coercion after a disturbance at her Las Vegas home.

The 61-year-old Zadora was booked Saturday into the Clark County Detention Center and released after posting $4,000 bail.

She was arrested about 11 a.m., some six hours after police responded to a disturbance call at her home.

Police declined to release the name of the victim and other details, saying further information would be released Monday.

Zadora has been married to her third husband, Las Vegas police detective Michael Jeffries, since 2005. The couple met after Zadora contacted police to report a stalking incident.

After working as a child actress on Broadway, she appeared in various movies. When her film career failed to take off, she became a singer of popular standards.

Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 5, Episode 1 of Bravo's "The Real Housewives of New Jersey."

Note II: If you think "drownded" is a word, I'm going to need you to back away from this recap slowly.

It's November 2012 and Seaside Heights, New Jersey is slowly starting to recover from Hurricane Sandy. (For non-east coasters who didn't experience it first hand, it was more frightening than whatever animal Teresa has sewn into her hairline.) Though the women had to deal with 12-day power outages and downed trees, they're quick to remind us that they're the lucky ones: unlike over 100 victims, they're still alive. The precious gift of life almost makes you want to, say, quit your reality show and spread kindness and joy ... almost.

Though our anti-heroes are still standing, their second homes on the shore didn't fare so well. I know it's "commonly believed" that the hurricane was caused by intense low pressure areas forming over warm ocean waters, but did you ever think maybe Mother Nature just seriously hated how Melissa and Teresa decorated? Just when you thought you knew your bitches, the biggest one blows through town.

Their furniture is shot, the floors are "like muck" and the walls are stripped barer than Melissa during her oft-debated years on the pole. Now, their homes mirror the state of their relationships. If this was a feel-good movie instead of a prime-time horror show, they would spend the next 60 minutes rebuilding both, and Taylor Swift would burst in at the end, full of hope and glittering herpes.

But seriously, the hurricane was no laughing matter. My parents on Long Island didn't have power for 9 days. Pots full of hot water "heated" their bedroom. Meanwhile, I was forced to burn my $50 just-for-show candles from Bed, Bath and Beyond Your Price Range in my darkened Gramercy co-op. The doorman was sent home. It was painful.

(Unlike me, people are still suffering. Here's a great way to help: http://occupysandy.net/)

In the wake of all this destruction, Teresa's looking on the bright side: Though the foundation of her home is wrecked, her marriage has been fixed. "If we didn't get divorced by now," she explains, "I don't think we're getting divorced." (Plus, she needs him to rebuild the curb outside the beach house before she can potentially kick him to it.)

Looks like the largest Atlantic hurricane on record aint got nothin' on Italian siblings scorned, 'cause Teresa and Joe never spoke during the natural disaster. The eye of their storm isn't just deadly ... it also holds a grudge. Juicy Joe says that given the circumstances, he would have been at his brother-in-law's in a flash, but the call for help (or just to check in) never came. "I love my brother whenever he decides to come back to me," Teresa says simply, taking no blame for their issues. Oh, did you hear that? It's Joan of Arc sending out an e-vite to her Martyrs Only party. (It's a steak-only menu. Like J-izzle in 1431, that's so hot right now.)

Finally, Bravo makes the brave decision to show the unsightly debris that remains in Jersey, despite the relief efforts: Teresa's children. They've been asked to go through their closets to find the "beautiful and glamorous clothing and shoes" that displaced people in the area could use. It's a noble effort, as the stiletto shortage is grave, and people made homeless by the storm are desperate to look as sexual as possible as they rebuild.

There's some good shots of Gia pretending to part with things, but Milania, per usual, is making this all about her. She's less interested in the cause and more concerned about missing her cousin, though I'm not understanding why she's randomly bringing that up. I wonder how many unicorns and lollipops Bravo bribed her with to get the "Mommy, when are we gonna see Antonia again?" line. Or maybe they just hold up cue cards with cave drawings on them.

Where you see Bambi eyes and a child's pain, I see scheming producers with lady boners for ratings. Milania goes on to name all the estranged family members she misses. She botches a few, and Teresa finds the mistakes poignant: The next step is simply forgetting them. "Hopefully, we'll see them soon, OK?" she says with a sigh, as if distance, not pride, was dividing them.

Over at Jacqueline's house, there's no sign of Sandy damage, but she's still reeling from a different shock: her three-year-old son Nicholas' Autism diagnosis last year. "The biggest challenge is getting him to communicate," she says, her eyes rimmed red from crying. "I do think one day, he will be able to tell me how his day was. That will be a great day." For now, she puts on a brave face and tries not to get frustrated that the bubbly baby she knew has changed.

Meanwhile, things are getting pretty emotional with Melissa and Joe. As she sits in front of a computer and looks at what seems to be a massive photo of herself, she whips out her daughter's homework. Apparently the assignment was to write a letter to your long-lost cousin that would also tear out your parents' hearts, in five lines or less. "I miss you so much," little Antonia writes simply, like a child Kurt Vonnegut. "I don't want to keep the cousins apart, but Teresa talks a lot in front of her children," Melissa says as her voice cracks. "I don't want my kids to ever hear anything negative about me." So it goes, Antonia. So it goes.

They decide to mail the letter, even though they're basically neighbors and could walk it over for free. Joe explains that he's hesitant about bringing the kids back together: "The children always listen to their parents, then they start arguing. It's inedible. It will happen."

I included this quote solely because he actually said "inedible." I'm now considering drafting my own Jersey-themed cookbook, entitled "Things That Aren't Inedible." It will have recipes in which the main ingredient is always the olive oil that Joe Gorga has rubbed into his face. He is one shiny, intelligent man.

When Milania receives her note, she gets so incredibly excited that Teresa decides to extend a branch full of thorns: "Let's invite Antonia over and give her her birthday gift!" Everyone's all smiles, so it's time for Gia the Misery Enforcer to step in. She reminds everyone that Antonia did not invite them to her birthday party, and swiftly brings the note out to her father in the garage. Joe talks to Gia like she's an adult, unfairly turning her into his ally in a war where all kids should be neutral. Under her attitude is a layer of hurt and resentment that Joe is pretty effectively laying brick by brick.

Wondering what's up with Kathy? Oh, she's just at her mom's house with sister Rosie, who has some sort of inexplicable mini-perm and added a touch of Parisian flare (ie: she's got a scarf wound around her neck) to her look.

She informs us that she's still on the prowl -- but she most certainly will NOT be trying Al Gore's crazy Internet again. Last time she logged on, she got catfished by a 300-lb bleached blonde with rotten effing teeth! If you can't trust the total strangers you meet on a dating site, who the hell can you turn to?

Just when you thought it was safe to go outside without being judged ... Caroline's back! She's currently testing out apartment life in Hoboken, as she and Al are considering selling their home. Now that they're empty nesters, it's just too big -- and don't you dare suggest that the move to the exact same place her sons live is, in some way, "chasing them." Caroline does NOT like that, and she will cut you like bad jean shorts if you so much as think it.

When Melissa and Joe come over to get a peek of the pad, conversation quickly turns to the Giudice-Gorga drama. Melissa (with some prodding from the local red-headed instigator) decides to text Teresa, who receives it at a boozy dinner with her super sweaty husband. The text is innocuous at best, as Melissa simply asks if she can take the girls for a play date on Sunday. "She's like 4 going on 6," Joe snorts, angry that Melissa had the audacity to suggest hosting the hangout on her turf.

Teresa replies "Yes Milania planned the play date and invited her over to our home to play. Hope she can make it ..." proving her mind-blowing inability to be flexible. Two texts later they're no closer to a resolution, and it's obvious that there aren't enough emoticons in the world to solve this. (When will they make a tiny lady stabbing her sister-in-law to death with the jagged shard of an 'On Display' single icon?)

"We're all just dust in the air," Teresa says lightly, referring to that famous song by the band Michigan.

Since Caroline successfully stirred Melissa's pot the night before, it's time to head over to Jacqueline's because she needs a dash of something vomit-inducing. Though Jax nods and looks sufficiently concerned, she tells us afterward that listening to G-G family drama is "right up there on my priority list with bleaching my a******."

Since I don't know the current state or hue of her a******, I cannot speculate on exactly how high that action item is. I do know she's from Vegas, so it's more likely that the thing has been rimmed in rhinestones and a teen pregnancy.

Meanwhile, Teresa is out with Gia at Kids at Heart, which is kind of a confusing name for a children's store where the clientele (presumably) are like, kids at everywhere. "I think you're a large, Gia," Teresa says a little too loudly, ensuring a lifetime of troubled feelings about food. As they shop, Melissa checks in again ... and Gia takes the touch-screen reigns. The plan is finally set -- and Teresa will be tagging along.

The reunion goes down at a jewelry making store. Is it just me, or does this location feel like a reference to how Melissa and Teresa's relationship is hanging on by a string? Oh, sorry. Lost my beads there for a second when I suggested that the creatures natural selection accidentally forgot to weed out could orchestrate anything subtly poetic.

Once inside, Melissa looks out from under her unnecessary fedora for something to fuel her hatred -- and Teresa hands it to her. Teresa's present to Antonia is an iPod, and Melissa quickly reminds us that "expensive gifts don't make you the aunt of the year."

Hey, Melissa. You know what else great aunts don't do? Micromanage the kids' freaking bracelets! Just let their tiny, inept hands string the ugliest creations ever till the cows come home and say, "Holy crap, my kids could have done a better job and they have hooves!" As Melissa sucks the fun out of the room and demands that the girls lose a bead here or add a bead there, Teresa picks her jaw up off the floor and changes the subject.

An innocent question about Antonia's communion raises a huge issue: Turns out they've completely randomly, in-no-way-done-as-fodder-for-a-new-season both scheduled communions for the exact same day. That's a fun topic to freak out about.

Teresa says she'll try to change Gabriella's party, and I wait for God or a large assortment of glass baubles to strike her down for telling a lie. I guarantee you, Jesus will walk into that shop and calmly jazz up his rosary with fire-polished gems before Teresa so much as calls her caterer.

As they leave, Atonia begs for a bit more time with her cousin, but she gets shut down hard. "You know what I've taught you about begging," Melissa says. Yes, we know, Melissa. Unless you've stripped for something, you haven't earned it.

While Melissa's in the depths of bead hell, her husband's having a random coffee date with his new bestie Caroline. She has heroically decided to break her promise not to get involved (Note: Joe has not asked her to get involved) and is offering a slightly perplexed Joe her ample bosom to cry on.

It seems like a desperate attempt to stay relevant in the show's biggest storyline, since Caroline hasn't been close enough to Teresa to play verbally-abusive Oprah. "Sometimes, you've gotta take a beating to do what's right," Caroline says. Suddenly, Joe starts to cry. It seems he's gotten a glimpse of his Kangol hat in the reflection of a shop window. "I'm willing to go talk to your sister," Caroline says selflessly. "But I'm gonna do it because you asked me to." (Note: Joe has never asked her to.)

Then, Joe offers Caroline the same advise that I'd offer to you, my dear readers, as we embark on this Season 5 journey together: "Wear some armor and bring a hand gun."

"The Real Housewives of New Jersey" airs Sunday nights at 8 p.m. ET on Bravo

Note: Do not read on if you haven't seen Season 1, Episode 1 of Bravo's "Princesses Long Island," titled "You Had Me At Shalom."

As expected as it may be, there's probably only one word to summarize the Sunday night premiere of "Princesses Long Island": contrived. With Bravo's newest series, reality TV seems to have folded onto itself. What started in the early 1990s with MTV's "The Real World," the genre eventually morphed into franchises intentionally scripted to reach the same dramatic levels once achieved from its sheer novelty. "Princesses" has now reached the next threshold--the point at which cast members, raised on reality TV and freakishly familiar with its formulas, purposely adopt personas intended to mimic and surpass material seen on other shows.

The "princesses" featured in this Bravo series have learned from the Kardashians' antics and the "Real Housewives" feuds. They appear on screen with presences so transparent and desperation so cringeworthy that they mistakenly glance at the cameras as if to confirm that they are being filmed. These women seem actually bad at pretending to be on a TV show that pretends to be situated in some sort of reality. Everyone -- cast members, show creators and the network -- are just trying way too hard.

"Princesses" follows six college-educated girls from various wealthy neighborhoods in Long Island: Chanel, Erica, Ashlee, Joey, Amanda and Casey. They range from 26 to 30 years old and they all choose to live in the luxury of their parents' homes for one reason or another.

Like most reality shows, each girl encapsulates a specific cultural stereotype. But "Princesses" is different from series of reality TV past as it showcases -- in the most bastardized sense of the word -- a subculture that has remained largely absent from this television genre to date. These women are not only wealthy like the Kardashians, ostentatious like the "Real Housewives" and part of an assimilated minority group like the "Shahs of Sunset," they're also predominantly Jewish.

There's Chanel, the Modern Orthodox girl, who adopts an exaggerated borscht belt-sounding affectation that seems, at least from watching her family eat dinner, absent from her home life. Even in the New York area, her schtick seems misplaced. There's Erica, the "hot" reform Jewish girl who may or may not drink too much. Next is the "daddy's girl" and self-described JAP (Jewish American Princess) named Ashlee, whose closeness to her father is displayed through their somewhat creepy desire to get pedicures together.

Then there's the self-proclaimed "poor" girl, Joey, who possesses a basic level of independence, perceived by this group as counter-culture. Amanda, the "mama's girl" has a boyfriend 12 years her senior. He watches Amanda and her mother try on swimwear in a scene so excruciating that I wish I could un-see it. Viewers will have to wait for future episodes to meet "princess" Casey.

Similar to the way Bravo chief Andy Cohen turned the Hebrew word "Mazel" into a tchotchke-selling enterprise, "Princesses" also appropriates Jewish terms for its own use. In a teaser video, an inebriated cast member deadpans, "Shabbat Shalom. Go f*** yourself."

It remains to be seen whether the series will resonate with audiences and develop into what could be Bravo's next franchise. The title begs for spinoff shows featuring "princesses" of various other areas. Perhaps there's a "Princesses Beverly Hills" already in the works.

But there's something deeply uncomfortable about watching these women willingly operate within these self-adopted stereotypes. They seem to live in a world where narcissism masks self-loathing. Far from entertaining, the first episode was equal parts upsetting and embarrassing. It's unclear who's responsible for the show's misses: cast members who are too desperate for the spotlight, producers and their choice editing, networks that churn out these shows with reckless abandon, or viewers, myself included, who love watching the spectacle of it all.

"Princesses Long Island" airs on Sundays at 9 p.m. ET on Bravo.

1. The title is a joke. And lest we forget, Totally Biased is a comedy show (or is at least attempting to be). Of course there are funny feminists and feminist stand-up comics. But in my experience the whole rape-joke argument --- for lack of a better term --- tends to break down between male comics and female feminists. So for the purposes of our show I wanted to recreate what I have seen but in a much more controlled environment than the Internet's "ARRRGH! BLAAGH! BOOM! FART NOISE!"

2. Lindy West and Jim Norton are not the only two people qualified to have this type of discussion on television. They were, however, my first two choices. Lindy has made a career of intelligent, hilarious, opinionated, truth telling (and not just about lady stuff by the way). And Jim Norton is the rare comic who is hilarious, original, and open, who can also speak intelligently about what it is to be a comic. Most of us comics can't do that and when we are asked to do so it can be a disaster. And yes, we could have any various different configurations of comic and feminists. We could have had a female comic who is pro-rape jokes and male feminist. (Yes, that's a thing!) Hell, we could have had Sarah Silverman debate herself. But I wanted to have two people who I consider to be the best spokespeople for where the argument tends to live.

3. Neither of them won the "debate." Neither of them lost the "debate." It actually wasn't even really a debate. (It wasn't even meant to be. HAHA! We tricked you!) Anybody who was in high school debate could tell you that we didn't follow the most basic rules of debate. So if you spent your time counting "points" while they were talking, then you most likely missed the point. We only called it a "Comic vs. Feminist" because people don't tend to watch things billed as "A Reasonable Discussion." (See: Current TV) And since I am the one who set this whole thing up, I am getting tweets from people on both sides of this. And it seems that people who liked Jim before the show think he won, and people who liked Lindy before the show think she won. (Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!)

With one small difference though...

4. You can disagree with someone without insulting them and/or especially threatening to rape -- or weirdly bragging about how you would not rape -- them. Honestly, this is not a point that the people who are fans of Lindy need to hear. However, it seems that a significant percentage of the people who claim to be in support of Jim's well-stated arguments think that disagreement and straight up violent hatred come together in the same shitty and scary package. (Don't believe me? Twitter search @thelindywest... I KNOW!!! Each comment makes her point for her.)

Lindy is tough. And she probably doesn't need me getting her back, but here goes. Nobody --- who hasn't at least committed some sort of criminal act --- deserves the disgusting, unoriginal, maddening, saddening, and most of all cowardly Internet attacks she has received since her appearance on the show. And apparently from what she has told me, this is par for the course of what receives on a daily basis from her articles on Jezebel.com.

And again, to the (mostly) dudes out there, who feel the need to express themselves this way, take a note from your hero, Jim Norton. It is possible to disagree with someone, make your best thought out argument, and move on with your life without the hate. Trust me. I've seen people do it. And if you do it this way, you stand a chance of being listened to and starting a dialogue. I'm pretty sure Socrates figured all this stuff out yeeeeears ago. A here's the best part, when you do it that way, no one gets threatened with a (hopefully) pretend rape in the process. Everybody wins! Or at least everybody loses less. Small victories.

5. Comic vs. Feminist was successful. Could it have been better? Sure? Mostly, I could have done a better job of playing traffic cop. But it was exactly what I wanted it to be: a well-mannered, intelligent, often funny, and always impassioned discussion about a sensitive and charged issue that you rarely see on TV. And trust me. Totally Biased is going to do more stuff like this; this is where I live. But this first time around, I'm going to have to agree with former president George W. Bush who famously said, "Mission accomplished." But unlike him, I know there is still work to be done.

David Beckham is already living like a Miami local -- he ate at Cheeseburger Baby twice on Sunday.

The newly retired soccer star first hit the late-night South Beach favorite around 5 a.m. Sunday morning with a bodyguard, ordering a turkey burger, veggie burger, cheeseburger and fries.

Restaurant staff say Posh Spice's beanie-wearing better half posed for photos with fans, left a generous tip, and didn't seem to mind waiting on his food, which is a lot more than we can say for Busta Rhymes.

"He came in with his security, and we were actually really slammed, and he waited patiently in line and he just chilled out," said owner Stephanie Vitori. "He was super cool... probably one of the bravest celebrities I've had in here, because the line was really long."

Beckham then hit up Cheeseburger Baby again around midnight Sunday, sending his bodyguard inside for veggie and turkey burgers. (Apparently retirement from professional sports doesn't mean letting go of an enviable figure, and we're all thankful for that.)

There's no word yet where Beckham, who was in Miami to discuss the "exciting" possibility of bringing a Major League Soccer team to South Florida, spent an obviously late night on Saturday. Thursday night he sat courtside as the Heat beat the Pacers (failing to wave on the jumbotrun, faux pas!), then headed to LIV at the Fontainebleau to get his club on.

While celebrities running around South Beach is nothing new -- and Beckham is also considering other cities for a potential MLS franchise -- the prospect of the former England captain spending more time in the Magic City has locals aflutter.

"It was an honor to have him," Vitori said. "I'm a huge soccer fan, I've played since I was little."

Let's hope Lena Dunham's future husband enjoys Tofurkey and live performances by Sade!

The "Girls" creator shared a photo Saturday of a drawing she made in 2002 of her dream wedding dress, as well as a list of the music and food that would be included in her future Big Day. Dunham captioned the photo, "An upsetting document from 2002, back when I was really fiendin' to get hitched" (Dunham would have been about 16 years old in 2002). Check it out below:

Anyone else think the actress could really rock a torn lace dress with satin gloves?

Despite Dunham's previous enthusiasm for weddings, her opinions on marriage seem to have changed. She stated in January that she won't get married until "all gay people can get married." She's currently dating Fun. guitarist Jack Antonoff.

Click through the slideshow below to see Dunham's quirky style.

Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Weddings on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.

On the heels of Michael Douglas' admission that his throat cancer may have been caused by the human papillomavirus (HPV), which can be transmitted by oral and genital sex, his ex-wife, Diandra Douglas, told TMZ that she does not have the sexually transmitted infection.

In an interview with The Guardian published Sunday, the actor appeared to suggest that the stage-four throat cancer, with which he was diagnosed in August 2010, was caused by HPV that stemmed from oral sex.

"Without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus," he said.

However, a representative for the actor issued a statement on Monday denying that HPV definitely led to Douglas' diagnosis.

"In a discussion with the newspaper, they talked about the causes of oral cancer, one of which was oral sex, which is noted and has been known for a while now," Allen Burry said.

About 63 percent of the estimated 11,726 cases of oropharyngeal cancers diagnosed each year in the United States may be caused by HPV, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Other causes include drinking and smoking.

Douglas announced that his cancer was gone in January 2011.

The actor divorced Dianda Douglas in 2000 after 23 years together, and his ex was reportedly awarded $45 million and the couple's Santa Barbara, Calif. estate in the settlement. That didn't stop her from suing her famous ex for half of his earnings from 2010's "Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps," though the suit was ultimately thrown out.

Douglas married actress Catherine Zeta-Jones in November 2000.

Click through the slideshow below to test your knowledge of celebrity divorce settlements:

Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on Facebook and Twitter.

Twenty-five years later, the story of one Los Angeles mother's fight to save her son from an AIDS-related death still resonates with Hollywood families.

Celebrities like Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, Tia and Tamera Mowry, and Tom Arnold came with small children Sunday to the 24th annual "A Time For Heroes" celebrity picnic fundraiser for the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation, a non-profit dedicated to the global eradication of pediatric AIDS. Laid out on the Creative Artist Agency's lawn for the event was a simulated surfing ride and skateboard decorating for the older kids, carnival games and bubble machines for tots and musical performances on a main stage for all.

The happy scene seemed worlds away from the AIDS crisis in sub-Saharan Africa, where most of the non-profit's programs are located. But for one celebrity attendee, the cause was deeply personal.

Singer Jamar Rogers, 31, shot to fame as a semifinalist on the second season of NBC's "The Voice" in 2012. But in addition to getting attention for his soulful renditions of "I Want To Know What Love Is" and "If You Don't Know Me By Now," Rogers made headlines for revealing his HIV-positive status on the show. Rogers has been living with HIV for eight years now, and the singer has made HIV/AIDS activism front and center of his growing career. He had strong words for President Barack Obama and Congress during a red carpet interview with The Huffington Post.

"I love the president, I support him, but I really do think that it's kind of a travesty that George W. Bush did more for AIDS/HIV research than Barack Obama," Rogers said. "With all the austerity measures that are happening, obviously HIV funding and research is one of the areas that are getting cut."

Bush's HIV/AIDS initiative increased the number of HIV-infected people receiving anti-retroviral drugs from 50,000 to nearly 2 million during his administration, reports The Washington Post. By 2012, more than 4 million people globally were being treated with the drugs. The Post called the effort Bush's "greatest legacy," while the Chicago Tribune called Bush the greatest humanitarian to ever serve as president.

Obama's proposed 2013 budget cuts funding for the HIV/AIDS initiative by nearly $550 million, or 11 percent, notes The Hill.

Rogers said that while his music career has been gratifying, he is focused on his main purpose: help and hope for people living with HIV/AIDS. In addition to working on his new album, to be released July 30, Rogers said he is considering invitations to Uganda, Malawi and the Dominican Republic -- trips designed to decrease stigma about HIV/AIDS diagnoses.

"Who cares about fame? I really don't care about the red carpet," Rogers said. "I really want people to live. To me, that gives my life value."

Rogers performed a five-song set at the celebrity picnic, including original songs "Drink Of You," "Where Would I Be Without You," and "High." He shared the stage with "American Idol" runner-up Jessica Sanchez and children's song performer Jambo.

Approximately 700 people attended the four-hour event, which so far has raised approximately $600,000, according to the foundation. Over 24 years, the event has raised $34 million for pediatric AIDS research. This year's picnic was sponsored by Disney and co-chaired by Willow Bay, a Huffington Post senior editor.

The non-profit is named for Elizabeth Glaser, who contracted HIV through a blood transfusion in 1981. She unknowingly passed the virus to her daughter, Ariel, through breast milk, and her son, Jake, in utero. When Ariel died of AIDS in 1988, Glaser vowed to spare her son the same fate and created a foundation to raise money for pediatric HIV/AIDS research. She died in 1994, but her work lives through her organization and her son, who is now a healthy adult.

Check out photos of the event in the slideshow below.

With the "Secret Life" finale upon us, we thought it'd be a good time to look back on the hit ABC Family show that gave us five seasons of awful lessons about sex, embarrassing dancing and severely distorted depictions of teen parenting.

From Grace (Megan Park) thinking that losing her virginity killed her father to a hooker (Jennifer Coolidge) hired by a teen with Down syndrome becoming the wife of the Sausage King, take a look at eight moments from the "Secret Life of the American Teenager" that still have us cringing and eye rolling.

The time Amy Juergens (Shailene Woodley) did the most idiotic, rhythmless dance of all time.



The time Ruthie (MacKenzie Rosman) and Lucy Camden (Beverley Mitchell) judged each other.



The time Bristol Palin guest starred and said, "And I'm Yo-Yo Ma."



The time uber-Christian Grace thought having sex with Jack (Greg Finley) killed her uber-Christian father, who was on his way to Africa. (We later learn that he was having an affair with a woman in Zimbabwe, with whom he fathered a child.)



The time Tom (Luke Zimmerman), Grace's adoptive brother with Down syndrome, hired a hooker named Betty (Jennifer Coolidge) and invited her over to his family's house. Eventually, she became the wife of the Sausage King (Steve Schirripa) ... and then his ex-wife.



The time Mayim Bialik played a guidance counselor and started the "Hava Nagila" during a mother-daughter dance (Molly Ringwald included).



The time George Juergens (Mark Derwin) revealed how not to approach your child about his/her sexuality.



The theme song, which states, "Birds can do it. Bees can do it. Let's stop talking. Let's get to it."

Tell us: What do you think the most ridiculous moment was in "The Secret Life of the American Teenager's" five-season run

The "Secret Life" finale airs Monday, June 3 at 8 p.m. ET on ABC Family.

The usually outspoken Russell Brand kept mum when asked about marriage in an interview with Red Eye Chicago published late last week.

When asked if he had any marriage advice, the comedian responded with a simple, "Not really, mate, no."

His tight-lipped reply is a departure from Brand's usual approach to reflecting on his marriage and divorce from Katy Perry. While hosting an XFM radio show with former Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher in March, Brand poked fun at his wedding and 14-month marriage.

"It was a drag, man," he said. "Let me tell you a thing about marriage. Marriage is a bond that can last up to 14 months. This is a sacred 14-month arrangement. Begins on an elephant. Ends in a newspaper."

Brand has also been known to praise his ex-wife in interviews, once telling Howard Stern "She's a good person, I've got nothing but love for her."

Perry and Brand tied the knot in India in October 2010. The comedian filed for divorce in December 2011, citing "irreconcilable differences." The pair's divorce was finalized in July 2012.

Not all stars exercise restraint when talking about their splits. Click through the slideshow below to check out some of the ridiculous things celebs have said about their breakups, and then vote on which one is the craziest.

Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on Facebook and Twitter.

Leave it to Christina Hendricks to be radiant and charming wherever she goes, even if she's just trying to get a quick drink.

The "Mad Men" star is spending her days in Detroit filming the Ryan-Gosling-directed "How to Catch a Monster." But she managed to take a break from the action Saturday night to head to Cafe D'Mongo's Speakeasy, an eccentric and beloved bar downtown, with costars Saoirse Ronan and Iain De Caestecker.

Livonia resident Micah Santos organized the KALAYAAN event celebrating the Philippines, part of the "Crossroads of Culture" series of monthly parties at the bar. Santos said Hendricks, who looked casual chic in an ombre denim shirt and flowery skirt, showed up with her coworkers around 11 p.m. They stayed for about an hour, and asked to speak to owner Larry Mongo, who was unavailable.

According to Santos, the group was friendly, laid-back and nice to fans.

"They took photos with anyone who asked and spoke with whoever approached them," he said. "Saoirse even photo-bombed my friend Eian in one of those photos, so she seemed to be in a playful mood."

Though Santos said he had to do a "double take" when Hendricks walked by, perhaps he shouldn't have been surprised. The bar seems to be a favorite of Gosling's, he previously came to the city for Mongo's birthday and may be giving the charismatic barkeep a part in the film. And Hendricks was previously seen around town at Mudgie's Deli -- though it's a local favorite, it's a pleasant surprise to see a Hollywood starlet down-to-earth enough to take her lunch at a sandwich shop.

Hendricks recently told Esquire magazine that Detroit was "unlike any American city" she's ever been to.

"It's a bit shocking when you first get here, but then you just discover all these great little gems about the city," she said.

She also heaped praise on Supino Pizzeria in Eastern Market:

"I think I might have had the best pizza I've ever had in my life the other day at Supino. It kind of blew my mind," she told the magazine.

We have to agree, and we're glad Hendricks is taking the time to discover Detroit's gems.

Written by Gosling, "How to Catch a Monster" also stars Eva Mendes, Matt Smith and Ben Mendelsohn. The dark, otherworldly fantasy follows Hendricks' Billy, a single mother who works at a fetish club who is swept into a macabre underworld.

Though Gosling and Smith were nowhere to be found Saturday, they've been spotted filming around town. If you're lucky enough to make the acquaintance of the stars while they're in Detroit, send any respectfully taken shots to your HuffPost Detroit editors.

H/T: Reddit

"Firefly" still lives on in the hearts of millions of Browncoats, but even after the success of the "Veronica Mars" Kickstarter campaign and the blockbuster performance of Joss Whedon's take on "The Avengers," Nathan Fillion doesn't think you should hold your breath for a "Serenity" sequel on the big or small screen.

"That was a project that lived for so short a time and such a long time ago that I would look at that as an impossibility," Fillion told HitFix of the franchise's chances of revival. "Joss Whedon made a movie of it, something I also considered an impossibility, so I look at that and say 'where is the hope?' but knowing Joss Whedon, I try not to underestimate that man."

In a February interview with The Huffington Post, Fillion sounded similarly skeptical about the stars aligning for more "Firefly," but admitted that he would jump at the chance. "We talk about it, we dream about it. I don't think you could find a cast member, a writer, a director, any of the crew who'd say, 'No, I'm out,'" he told us. "People are pretty busy right now, Alan [Tudyk] is always working, and obviously Joss is pretty busy. But that would be something that I would do again in a heartbeat. There's something about 'Firefly' -- it was my first love. So if you get a chance to go back to your very first love, you'll do it, right?"

Back in 2011, Fillion set virtual tongues wagging across the internet after telling EW, "If I got $300 million from the California Lottery, the first thing I would do is buy the rights to 'Firefly,' make it on my own, and distribute it on the Internet." Naturally, given the show's rabid fanbase, this launched a campaign to help Fillion buy the rights, but given that it was a time pre-Kickstarter, the project fizzled out.

Whedon echoed Fillion's sentiments in an interview with BuzzFeed after the "Veronica Mars" Kickstarter reached its goal (and then some). "I’ve said repeatedly that I would love to make another movie with these guys, and that remains the case. It also remains the case that I’m booked up by Marvel for the next three years, and that I haven’t even been able to get 'Dr. Horrible 2' off the ground because of that. So I don’t even entertain the notion of entertaining the notion of doing this, and won’t. Couple years from now, when Nathan [Fillion]’s no longer [on] 'Castle' and I’m no longer the Tom Hagen of the Marvel Universe and making a giant movie, we might look and see where the market is then. But right now, it’s a complete non-Kickstarter for me," he said.

Don't expect Netflix to step in with the cash, either. Despite the site's resurrection of "Arrested Development," Netflix chief Ted Sarandos recently pointed out, 'In almost every case the cult around the show gets more intense and smaller as time goes by. 'Arrested Development' was the rarest of birds in that the audience of the show grew larger than the original broadcast audience because people came to discover it years after it was cancelled. The 'Firefly' fan is still the 'Firefly' fan from when it was on TV and there’s fewer of them and they’re more passionate every year. Whereas with 'Arrested Development' we’re going to be serving a multiple of the original audience. Any of the other shows we could bring back would be a fraction of the original audience."

Do you think a "Firefly" revival will ever happen? Weigh in below!

"Game of Thrones" fans are still reeling from Sunday night's penultimate episode, "The Rains of Castamere," a.k.a. the Red Wedding episode, a.k.a. you crazy for this one George RR Martin. Despite the blood and tears (and blood and blood), Episode 9 did feature one brief moment of levity for those viewers paying close attention: a cameo appearance from Coldplay drummer Will Champion.

Champion played a drummer in the episode, casting that was first announced by EW.com back in November of 2012. He was the second musician to pop up in a Season 3 episode of "Game of Thrones": As NME noted, Snow Patrol lead singer (and part-time Taylor Swift duet partner) Gary Lightbody made a cameo appearance in April as a soldier.

Watch Champion's brief "Game of Thrones" scene at the 23-second mark in the video above. For more on the shocking episode, check out HuffPost TV coverage here and here. Warning: Major spoilers at those hyperlinks.

[via Metro]

When I interviewed "Doctor Who" star Matt Smith at the end of last year, talk inevitably turned to the temporary nature of portraying the show’s semi-titular Time Lord, whose powers of regeneration have enabled an array of people to play the part since the British sci-fi series debuted almost 50 years ago.

Conan O’Brien may have been a writer on "The Simpsons," but he’s getting animated on a different Sunday-night Fox comedy: The late-night talk show host will lend his voice to an upcoming episode of "Family Guy."

LOS ANGELES — Jennifer Lopez isn't on screen for the debut of her new TV series, but she will be on Twitter.

Lopez is an executive producer of ABC Family's drama "The Fosters," which debuts at 9 p.m. EDT Monday. The channel says the actress and singer will be live-tweeting from her (at)JLo account during the episode.

"The Fosters" is about a lesbian couple who are parents to a brood that includes adopted twins and a foster child. The cast includes Teri Polo of the "Meet the Parents" movie franchise.

Lopez says the drama reflects the changing nature of families today. She says she may appear on the show or provide music for it in later episodes.

"The Fosters" was created by actor Peter Paige of Showtime's "Queer as Folk" and Bradley Bredeweg.

The stars were out at the 2013 CFDA Awards, from Ralph Lauren awarding Vera Wang the Geoffrey Beene Lifetime Achievement to Oscar de la Renta receiving the Founders Award from none other than Hillary Clinton (!).

The annual awards ceremony, hosted by Bravo's Andy Cohen at Lincoln Center, feted the most talented fashion designers of the year. The big winners of the night:

Womenswear Designer of the Year: Jack McCollough and Lazaro Hernandez for Proenza Schouler

Menswear Designer of the Year: Thom Browne

Accessories Designer of the Year: Phillip Lim for 3.1 Phillip Lim

The Swarovski Awards for Emerging Talent, recognizing fashion's up-and-comers, went to the following designers:

Swarovski Womenswear Designer of the Year: Max Osterweis and Erin Beatty for Suno

Swarovski Menswear Designer of the Year: Dao-Yi Chow and Maxwell Osborne for Public School

Swarovski Accessories Designer of the Year: Pamela Love

Tim Blanks of Style.com received the Media Award in honor of Eugenia Sheppard, and costume designer Colleen Atwood took home the Board of Directors’ Tribute award.

All the designers were quick to thank Diane von Furstenberg and Steven Kolb of the CFDA, and many (wisely) gave props to Anna Wintour. Max Osterweis and Erin Beatty cutely thanked each other, Lazaro Hernandez acknowledged the "love of his life" Jack McCollough, and Dao-Yi Chow and Maxwell Osborne were so stunned they could barely speak.

Kerry Washington and Jessica Chastain also offered up their kind words, introducing the designers in stunning Jason Wu and Givenchy dresses (respectively).

But it was Hillary Clinton who really stole the show. Presenting the first award of the night so she'd have time to run to Henry Kissinger's 90th birthday party, the former Secretary of State praised Oscar de la Renta's design skills as well as his philanthropy, including work in his native Dominican Republic. She also laughed recalling the first time she and Oscar met, at the Kennedy Center Honors in 1993. "I was then, as I am now, such a fashion icon," quipped Hillary.

Indeed. To see Hillz, Oscar and the rest of the stylish crowd at the 2013 CFDA Awards, check out the photos below.

Want more? Be sure to check out HuffPost Style on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, Pinterest and Instagram at @HuffPostStyle.

Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 8, Episode 10 of Bravo's "Real Housewives of Orange County," titled "Viva Mexico."

Greetings, Orange County faithful! Alas, I was unable to recap last week's episode as I was hosting Memorial Day festivities at my very own "cohabitation casa" that spun ever-so-gently of control. I wonder if there will be any parallels in this week's "RHOC" episode? Let's find out ...

We begin at Tamra's home, as she gingerly slices some above-average looking cheese and plops some chutney on a cutting board, because guess who's coming to tea? It's Lydia, ditzy and pleasantly bug-eyed as usual, marveling at the "classiness" of Tamra's dark wood floors and goblets of pink lemonade. Then she pointedly inquires about Tamra's fractured relations with Alexis and proposes a sit-down. You see, Lydia is a "friend whisperer," which is code for "ancillary character who desperately needs more screen time."

Before this chaste three-way can occur, we are treated to interior shots of a rhinestone-heavy swimwear showroom. Apparently Gretchen and Heather are there to design a one-of-a-kind bikini for Tamra, just one brushstroke in the M.C. Escher-esque masterpiece that will constitute the Tamra Barney bachelorette party. Beyond the custom beaded bandeau bikini, the getaway destination itself is a closely guarded secret! This way, Tamra will be challenged to pack one suitcase for cold weather and one suitcase for hot. Riddle me this!

[As lucky viewers, we are informed that the actual bachelorette destination is Puerto Vallarta. Nobody can manage to pronounce Puerto Vallarta, which is sad, especially for those of us who grew up watching "The Love Boat."]

Heather and Gretchen then discuss the upcoming itinerary, and Heather throws out the option of a Puerto Vallarta art gallery/upscale restaurant called Café Des Artistes. Gretchen astutely comments that an art gallery would confuse Tamra, and that a venue more conducive to male strippers might be a wiser choice.

They put the dinner issue aside and train their attention on a cream crystal studded bikini for the third-time bachelorette. Gretchen then casually mentions her designer credentials, and that she is "in the fashion industry." Ah-hem. Gretchen is in the fashion industry like I am in the Paris Review for these recaps.

Meanwhile, Alexis wears a giant metal gladiator necklace and a natty pantsuit at what seems to be the "library room" of a deserted steakhouse. Alexis orders a pink greyhound, which is eternally awesome. Vicki shows up, equally overly accessorized, and moans a bit about Tamra's bachelorette party and how she doesn't really want to go through the whole ordeal, because marriage, sob, Vicki is divorced, etc.

Alexis then relates that Tamra has called her "out of the blue" and wants to meet for brunch. Alexis then relates, in one of her more articulate moments, "I'm not nervous, I'm hesitant." She believes there's good in everybody, "at the end of the day."

Hey, from now on, let's all drink any time a cast member says "at the end of the day."

Now we're at the long-awaited confrontation between Tamra and Alexis, with Lydia running interference. They all arrive at a generic outdoor brunch spot. There are stiff hugs all around.

"This is so unlike Tamra," Alexis says of the meet up. "Stranger things really haven't happened." God bless. Lydia orders a Lemon Drop and Tamra explains that she's "impulsive and explosive." She then offers her own muddled mea culpa: "If it is that bad, I want to break the cycle."

Alexis cries and says it was never her intention to cause so much pain. At the end of the day (drink!) she just wants peace. Pledges for a clean slate and hopes for new beginnings are heartily toasted.

Elsewhere, Gretchen arrives at horse stables to meet former cast member Lauri. There's some awkward horse admiring and petting. Gretchen says that Slade once boarded horses at this very stable. She then interviews that Slade had "technically banged" Lauri "one, two or three times."

Lauri more tactfully interviews that she "dated" Slade briefly, but that she's so blissfully married now that it's all water under the horse-y bridge. The talk then turns to Vicki, as it so often does, as Gretchen bemoans Vicki's hypocritical ways --accusing Gretchen of cheating on her racecar driver Jeff (RIP), and deeming Slade a deadbeat dad; when everyone knows that Vicki's current beau Brooks is on Deadbeat Watch, and that Vicki was a rampant cheater as well.

Lauri leans in, her eyes and highlights gleaming in tandem. "The cheating issues -- it's the pot calling the kettle black," she intones. "I have never known Vicki to be with one person. She's just hopping from guy to guy to guy."

Then Lauri explains that while Vicki was married to Don, she went to Greece one year. "She came back with a 'Grecian God.' But when he opened his mouth, he had no teeth," Lauri says. Apparently Vicki offered to buy her Aegean boy-toy a new grill. This is all profoundly disconcerting on its own, but Lauri's just getting started.

"At an insurance convention in New Orleans, I walked in to the hotel and she [Vicki] was in bed with another woman, and they were both in bed with another man."

Dun-dun-dun!

"Whether they were having sex or not, I don't know," Lauri posits. She says she feels vindicated in divulging this dirt because Vicki leaked some damaging info about her husband George's family. Ay, this crew!

Thankfully the producers segue to Heather and Terry, who seem on happy couple cruise control, as they discuss the bachelorette party and the fact that Heather has never seen a stripper, except for Terry, who isn't exactly "Magic Mike." Affable rich couple laughter ensues.

Lydia similarly shares her male stripper rookie status. "I have two boys, dogs, and a husband, I don't need to see any more penises," she says. Heh.

Meanwhile Tamra packs two identical hot pink suitcases, one for snow (Uggs, furry vest), one for sun (bikinis, white tank with "Bride" on it). Tamra explains to Gretchen that her preferred bachelorette party mode is "naked wasted."

At the airport, there's some Vicki-Gretchen penis cup competition, to the visible consternation of the skycaps. Tamra finally rolls up and is gifted her custom bikini and bachelorette sash.

Am I the only one that wonders what happened to the second suitcase?

We move forward to a speeding limo in ... Mexico! "You know the rules in Mexico," Vicki says. "Talk to every Mexican you can." Vicki relates that Puerto Vallarta is her "playground" and that her favorite dive bar, Andele's, is base camp one for "whooping it up." She talks about how the men really "take care of her" there and Gretchen makes one of a series of little swipes about the ever-fraying nature of Vicki's moral fiber.

Lydia then interviews, "We are middle aged women, pillars of the community," as Vicki licks a phallic rainbow lollipop.

Now the girls have made it to their resort. Swaying palms, lovely tile floors, accommodating staff, etc. On Heather's high-class insistence, the crew rolls out to Café Des Artistes. Tamra puzzles over the menu, stymied by marinated pork jowls.

Lydia attempts to order "salsa and chips" but the waiter shakes his head sadly no. The consensus is that this place is way too "French" and dignified for a bunch of 40-something bachelorettes. The group then asks Tamra to reveal her fiancé Eddie's best feature (abs), boxers or briefs (both), his favorite color (black), then Vicki asks "what position does he like?" and the merry momentum of the conversation screeches to a dead halt.

The girls pick at their entrees, complaining they can't handle fish with skin on it, and Gretchen is "scared of the shrimp down here." Vicki wants the group to whoop it up at Andele's. Gretchen has had it.

She interviews, "If you wanted to go to Andele's and (blow-job motion) with the doorman, then do it." Gretchen then says she's not calling Vicki a "slut-whore," even though that's exactly what she's doing, and my hypocrite meter just went off. The table silently regards each other in a mutual south-of-the-border hum of loathing.

"What's next, a yeast infection?" Tamra says. Match point, Tamra.

But, hope springs eternal. Somehow Vicki has shanghaied Tamra and Lydia to Andele's, to do Puerta Vallarta her way. Meanwhile, Left Behind cast members Gretchen and Heather share their consternation at being ditched by their tackier counterparts. We cut to Tamra, Vicki, and Lydia wearing neon mouse ears and stumbling around the Malecon.

I suspect a new anti-Vicki alliance forming here as Gretchen interviews that she wants to "unleash a rash of 'furry' on this b*tch", and Heather's eyes gleam their depths-of-the-grave darkness. Viva Mexico!

Next week, Gretchen might kill Vicki, we learn that Mexican strippers go the extra mile, and Lydia feels she must give up her 'next born child' as penance for ditching the girls. At the end of the day ... I'll be there! And, dear compadres, I hope you will be, too.

"The Real Housewives of Orange County" airs Mondays at 9 p.m. ET on Bravo.

DETROIT — Musician Jack White has played springtime Santa, paying a $142,000 back tax bill for Detroit's historic Masonic Temple. The move prevents a threatened auction of the famed venue where The Who and the Rolling Stones once played.

Last Thursday, a then-anonymous donor paid off the famed music venue's entire 2010-2012 tax delinquency. The 14-story Masonic Temple was days away from being put up for sale.

The building is on the National Register of Historic Places. It takes up an entire block and has more than 1,000 rooms, as well as a theater that has featured top performers for decades.

The Detroit Free Press ( ) reports that temple President Roger Sobran says his group is renaming the 1,586-seat theater in its benefactor's name as the Jack White Theater. http://on.freep.com/16HNPOr

___

Online:

http://www.themasonic.com